I don't even know what. I know that I have been writing on this blog for 6 months and until a few days ago, I had never been brave enough to publish the things I said. I thought I should check them for bad references or mis-remembered quotes. I feel so afraid of judgement that almost always censor myself.
Fuck that. I cannot do it any more. I am listening to Lady Gaga blaring in my ears and forcing myself to go forward with the typing, not look at what I've written.
I am me. I am strange and so many other things. I am willing to learn from my mistakes, so I guess when I commit myself to publishing this, I am accepting the judgements that will come. Or not accepting, I am willing to not care anymore. In my head I am the most ninja-like feminist self-preservationist but, in the world I constantly feel my head being turned by other people's desires.
I have to snatch myself back away from the misdirection.
I hadn't published so many times because someone in my life doesn't want me to draw attention to myself because somehow my existence is intrinsically linked to humiliation for others. Right?
Wait, what the fuck have I been doing?
No comments:
Post a Comment